Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

courtroom exchange of the day

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

This is sending me to another galaxy

Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.

My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

grandpa was shocked

Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?

Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?

captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.

2022 will be better than 2021

My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”

So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?

You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.

me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot

me:

girl:

me: can u buy me a drink

god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation

lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly

god: lol ok

Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain

Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich

Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.