Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.

now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight

[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.

Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!

Also me: *lives alone*

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.

But I don’t like to point fingers.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂

[Taken Nemo]

*Clam phone rings*

Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.

Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently

Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.

[talking to son on the phone]

“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”

I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

just overheard a conversation

“You’re a tutor, right?”

“Yeah”

“What subjects do you toot?”

If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.

I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?