Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sounds kinky. i’m in.

4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?

10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled

Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true

Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards

People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?

The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.

The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.

[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.

Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.

My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.

“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.

detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices

by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt

I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

me: *vacuums up ant*

ant: oh no

me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*

ant: oh wait

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”

When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.

Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…

Aw beans