Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
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“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
A ghost story
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.