Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
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My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Where is your GOD now????
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call