piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
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me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Today’s Times
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
