Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”

Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”

Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!

Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.

Alexa, make out with the Roomba

KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?

BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

Bed should get ready for ME

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”

I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”

Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time

I hope it’s French Onion!

On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.

People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

The next wave of scammers will have old people call you

E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band

As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house