Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are

Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins

Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”

Me: “To see if I can read minds?”

(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed

The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.

Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.

Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?

*goes home*

Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.

If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.

Wife: What? Why?

Me: I was calling her Siri.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I’m naming our next kid.

Me: You come highly recommended, LOL

Drug dealer: *stabs me*

A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.

Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.

Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

[frog-condom sales meeting]

frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?

frog 2: rib it

frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning

There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:

1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them

Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?

Me: I’d use the elevators

Hiring Manager:

Me: Elevators, Sir.

Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.

As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now