Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
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Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro