Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
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Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen