Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i’m a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that’s too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.

This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!

A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”

Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.

Cause I think it does.

Me, starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit

9am: one slice of cake instead of two

I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”

I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”

🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?

Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance

GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems

The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.

So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified

The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies

Where is your GOD now????

Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.

[dinner at brother’s house]

“So where are the kids?”

Brother: I grounded them.

*spits out meatloaf*

Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.

Them: well which is it?

Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker

I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur

my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.