Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*runs away from it all*

*runs back*

*grabs phone charger*

*runs away from it all again*

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty

Don’t leave me alone.

Alone: I have a boyfriend.

JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

[looking through my closet]

Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?

Me: 1991

FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?

Me: Sure.

9: Can I spend two nights?

Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

one last job

Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape

Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…

Me: Snacks?

omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face

Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

Spoiler Alert: I was late

Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

police: put ur hands behind ur back

me: are u mad at me

“How old are you?”

Things you say to your third child.

Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good