Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me linking you to my twitter

You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?

Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey

Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.

the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done

Born to be mild.

Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”

It’s not my job to police the internet, but I just saw someone post a recipe for cauliflower cookies and reported them for harmful content.

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.

Skip intro

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.

The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.

ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.

Stop making fast and furious movies.

I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves

I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.

Word of the Day: No

Please use it in a sentence: No.

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

*names my little horse OneTrick*