@Deurb1

Piss off the DJ by dancing the Macarena to all his music.

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@pittdave13

Me: Don’t make this weird

Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker

@WilliamAder

In a perfect world, the phrase “axe body spray” would only be used to refer to blood splatter patterns.

@mrjohndarby

[childbirth]

me: are you ok?

wife: IT’S AGONY!

me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY

@SHOWERTHlNKING

What if Harry Potter was dreaming for seven years because he ran headfirst into a wall at a train station?

@MomofTeen

By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

@KeetPotato

[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”

@skin_and_i

“Look at me! I’m a ninja!” – 4yo not getting the whole ninja concept yet.

@FredTaming

doctor: open up

me: it all started when my dad left

doctor: and say ahh

me: oh

doctor: no, “ahh”