Rich people don’t understand cereal
Piss off the DJ by dancing the Macarena to all his music.
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Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
In a perfect world, the phrase “axe body spray” would only be used to refer to blood splatter patterns.
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
What if Harry Potter was dreaming for seven years because he ran headfirst into a wall at a train station?
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
“Look at me! I’m a ninja!” – 4yo not getting the whole ninja concept yet.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
doctor: no, “ahh”