@Deurb1
@Julian_Epp
Rich people don’t understand cereal
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@Julian_Epp
@pittdave13
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
@WilliamAder
In a perfect world, the phrase “axe body spray” would only be used to refer to blood splatter patterns.
@mrjohndarby
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
@SHOWERTHlNKING
What if Harry Potter was dreaming for seven years because he ran headfirst into a wall at a train station?
@MomofTeen
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
@KeetPotato
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
@stevevsninjas
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
@skin_and_i
“Look at me! I’m a ninja!” – 4yo not getting the whole ninja concept yet.
@FredTaming
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”