Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
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“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
next level snooze
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.