Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

This is no longer winter this is harassment

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?

Trooper: State Police identify yourself

Me: Police identify yourself

Trooper: State Police

Me: Police

My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.

I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this

I keep a diary of all the indifferent kisses I’ve had, as one day I’d like to publish my meh mwahs.

Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.

Are you having a good day? Or did you wear lip gloss on a windy day?

I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?

I know a horrible idea when I see it.

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels

What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s

People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.

interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”

[blind date]

ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.

Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?

her: the moon is so romantic tonight

me: how

the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey

me: h-[blushing] hey

If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”

No