Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.

Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.

Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.

#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices

After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.

Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.

[Inside my stomach]

Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.

Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*

I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!

Just why bro?!

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.

Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.

Doctor: This is serious!

Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.

Nice try Hitler

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!

#hooters

FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.