PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
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Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.