pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
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*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.