pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Breaking news:
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
