pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
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Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
A short story of betrayal:
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
BRO LMFAO
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.