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@PortRooster: Pitbull: Hey, what rhymes with "Kodak"?
Nicki Minaj: "Kodak", duh...
@mindflakes: I've invented a new kind of waffle maker that makes 300 waffles per minute whether you want it to or not
@fro_vo: Mary: I'm pregnant
Joseph: but how you're a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
@theroneman: Son, there's only one thing in life to fear.
[Car full of bears with machine guns drives by]
Son, there are only two things in life to fear.
@bazecraze: You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
@stephenjmolloy: Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I'll get you a pencil.