I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Pitbull: Hey, what rhymes with “Kodak”?
Nicki Minaj: “Kodak”, duh…
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God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”
[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*