My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
You Might Also Like
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter