PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
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I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Ah..makes sense now
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.