Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.

Get it together, toddlers.

Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

Last-minute gift idea!

me: hello darkness my old friend

darkness: friend is a strong word

Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.

I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney

4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”

Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.

INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars

Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.

Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.

It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.

My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.

a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people

Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*

I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.

Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.

Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.