pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
