pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on
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Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
look at me when i’m typing to you
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.