Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”

Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!

Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…

The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.

You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.

Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.

librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees

me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.

[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

kinda fun if literal: earwigs

people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical

A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush

this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*

NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!

I only treason on days ending in y

My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.

This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.

“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*