Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

*Seductively hides in the woods

Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.

Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”

Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”

[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*

Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.

My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow

“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”

my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders

Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.

Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.

Isn’t

[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.

PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school

me, too, girl. me, too.

Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”

Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.