Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.

Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.

The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.

KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk

ME: but this tree is so tiny

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?

*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit

From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“

the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.

Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”

-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…

With that said, scrambled it is.

hamburger doesn’t need your help.

After hand washing your cat, put up to dry

Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho

An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.

Bear knowledge

Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions

We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji

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