PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
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america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on