Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

termites walking up to the ark: two please

noah: any dietary restrictions?

termite: yeah we only eat woo—

noah:

termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool

noah:

termites:

noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters

[at the opera]

Date: this is going on forever

Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers

Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.

Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.

Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…

If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.

she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur

After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.

Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder

These fireworks are awesome! High four!

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.

Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?

I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder

Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*

Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.

After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!

Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.