pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
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First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.