pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
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Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I stand by it
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed