pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
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[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
rapatouille
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.