[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
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Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.