Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs

Secondary school me: my speech is abou….

My guys at the back:

Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.

*wipes prints off microwave handle*

If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.

When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours

HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off

ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair

christening a ship with an overripe banana

I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.

My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.

Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.

Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.

Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.

Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.

Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.

Me: I choose Truth!

Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?

Me: …I choose Dare!

the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions

Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive

Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

[right after sex]

Me: so that was uhh-

The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!

Me: What fresh hell is this?

Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!

Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.

Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.