Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.

If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing

[At a restaurant]

Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.

Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.

Me: Those don’t come with fries.

Husband: I know.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

I think that’s enough internet for one day…

Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.

Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.

No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.

According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean

Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”

Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”

Don’t tell me how to lift my baby

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.

As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…

Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”

Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”

[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE

With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.

Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*

Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”

Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock

ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work

WIFE: Why

ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom

WIFE: so kill it

ME:[whispering] its got my gun

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.