I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
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I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.