Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.

her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying

if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

[inventor of teapot]

“I want this water to scream”

[the afterlife]

Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!

Angel: *chuckling*

Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.

Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.

We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised

Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.

Names the boat Hell Sinky.

Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish

I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle

i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door

Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive

For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective

Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.

Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook

how to screw with your cat’s head 101