[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
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Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
can’t bark with your mouth full
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood