Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!

~Me. Speed dating.

My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.

One last time…

It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!

It’s that simple.

Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.

Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “Efficient.”

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

[Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.

The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.

TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle

ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?

I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.

-Kids

Alexa turn off the planet

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.

Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.

i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”

I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

She says, the kids want to go to the circus.

I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found

Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…

Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.

amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂

me: it is not

amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂

me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox

amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?

me: that isn’t possible

amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))

If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.

4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?