Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
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I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
sry
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
