Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message

Okay

“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”

Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.

Alien: Take us to your leader.

America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?

I don’t hate children, just yours.

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”

When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?

[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”

If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?

if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. ⁣⁣Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.

Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.

Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving

All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.

There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything

Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.

Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.