Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk

MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.

ME: *thinks for a bit* …k

MAGICIAN: That is a letter.

ME: omg ur right

Random dm guy: What are you wearing?

Me: A scathing look of disdain

Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol

If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.

ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*

SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”

Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”

*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*

Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.

How to numbers:

1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?

The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.

oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer

Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?

If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?

My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.

There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.

Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.

i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile

Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life