Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.

me: dogs have 4 legs

her:

me: so do tables

her: ok

me: so dogs are tables

her: no

me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane

SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.

Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door

I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.

Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions

Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep

Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine

Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep

Internet: European dragon flu

Me: Oh nooooo

The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.

Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.

Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.

Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.

Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.

Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.

Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter

Couldn’t recommend it enough.

*gazing up at stars*

Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?

Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper

I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.

*Boyfriend gets in bed*

Him: Wanna fool around?

Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*

Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first

First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.

ME: we need to talk

BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—

ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all