Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*struts into the new year
~ trips

You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears

…yes please

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!

I stand out like a peanut in a turd.

“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*

Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]

Me: wait—

Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]

Me: wtf

Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE

ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

me: [gets on one knee]

GF: [gasps]

me: [reaches into pocket]

GF: OMG

me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot

My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.

“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

No school, Day 1

7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!

8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?

I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.

Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.

Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”

once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”

I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.