Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked

angel: wait what

god: I told you to make them meatier

angel: oh MEATier

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.

There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.

You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight

My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂

My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!

am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall

German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.

Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.

6: OK. But who makes the rules?

Me:

6:

Both of us: Mom.

“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”

-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.

90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.

Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17

Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?

[A few hours later]

Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*

I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.

Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?

Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?

God: take the worst of his personality.

Angel: okay.

God: then take the worst of her personality.

Angel: got it.

God: now mix them all together.

Angel: what do you want to call this mess?

God: call it a kid.

If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.