*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
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Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
When your best mate counts as a desk too
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
you could not pay me to delete this app
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Wife:
4 firefighters show up
Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple
Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?
Check mate
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
birds and squirrels envy us
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Nice try, poison.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”