*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
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I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
the three genders
🤣😈🤣
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?
Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel
TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I’m giving up ice.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
tis the season
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk