*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
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You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
Dolls on drugs
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
😭😭
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.