Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants

ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!

OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.

Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.

Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?

If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.

Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead

I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.

It’s for plane enthusiasts.

What were you thinking?

911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from

Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009

[getting pulled over]

Me: R u a bear cop?

Bear cop: Is that a problem?

Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop

*mauls me for bad pun*

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.

It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.

My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?

You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.

I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

I have written yet another poem about laundry

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT