Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

Meat Cute

Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.

Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…

Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*

A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?

Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.

American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom

HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk

[pet store]

Me: your parrot called me a cracker.

Manager: maybe he was asking..

[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*

If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.

Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]

“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”

——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…

a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people

Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.