Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.

the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no

“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat

Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?

[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.

Me: “I peed three times last night”

Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”

Me: “Getting up?”

Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*

My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”

Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much

Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs

Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.

*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

uh oh

I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”

[watching Joker]

Joker: ha-

me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now

Joker: -ha

Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ

That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.

I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.

Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall

Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.

Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*

Vampire: Thank you.

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position