Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.

[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped

Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.

I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”

Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.

Me: (Sneezes)

Microchip in my left arm: Bless you

half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.

My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”

Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.

If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!

Then he held up my driver’s license

When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying

He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy

Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.

I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”

WORM 911: what’s ur emergency

FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD

WORM 911: u need medical help?

FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.