**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
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With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.