Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
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Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
listen closely
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.