Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon

Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet

Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.

My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”

do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?

People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins

[family meeting]

Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong

Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?

Wife: Nah, we can start

Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.

adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to

*leads a conga line off of a bridge

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call

I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.

What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?

Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

Saint West, the patron of selfies

☺️

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

Acronyms got me like WTF?

4: Water!

Me: Ask me nicely

4: Actually, I’ll get it myself

This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.