Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God creating armadillos]

Shove that mouse into a seashell

Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.

It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.

do you like my signals
I mixed them myself

I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.

Scavenger Hunt Party

Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.

I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.

Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky

Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more

A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”

I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder

Flirting is hard

Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder

Me and kiddo listening to music in car:

In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶

Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover

*20 min later at the grocery store*

Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?

Stranger:😳

My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.

Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?

serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death

me: so you’re gonna let me live

a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off

Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out

Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff

An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?

My couch: