Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.

Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.

Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*

therapist: ok what was that all about

Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

Restaurant toilets are dangerous!

So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!

I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.

Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?

Just me? 😬

Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness

Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

Who called it med school and not the I.V. League

[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!

Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?

So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.

paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.

Me: *select all, delete*

Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.

Follow me for more relationship advice.

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?