Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I could veto my bills.

I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.

If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.

If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*

Husband: *cries*

I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.

That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.

Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?

Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.

Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.

Me: *death glare*

Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.

When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.

Them: We should go for a walk in the park

Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?

Them:

Me: Oh right, exercise

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me