Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins

i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives

My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table

Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*

Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs

The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.

Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?

Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog

Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”

Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.

Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”

The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”

*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*

me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?

1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.

1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!

2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*

*Aquarium

GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus

ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.

One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.

The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.

Him: Fresh Parmesan?

Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!

Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.