Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”

Have kids. It’s fun.

I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…

{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.

95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.

The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK

Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.

a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”

my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…

The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.

Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”

Him: “What kind of car trouble?”

Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”

“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume

*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*

Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s

*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*

SG- Those aren’t your pants

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine

Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.

I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.

[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.

life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.

Once a lap dog, always a lap dog

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.