@KickSumHunibuns

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

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@MommaUnfiltered

Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.

And now someone’s texting him.

@LeBearGirdle

*Paranormal Factivity*

[I walk into my bathroom]

“OH MY GOD”

[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]

@0point5twins

*knock knock*

“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”

“But I’m having a poo”

“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”

@WilliamRodgers

This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….

Long story short….Send bail money…

@DanMentos

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

@daemonic3

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*

@jsaffle1

*walk up to woman breastfeeding baby* Is this guy bothering you?

@moist_jeff

*Young Jesus plays with food*
Mary: you’re not playing until you finish your bread and fish!
*ugh*
*touches food*
*it multiplies*
NOOOOOO!!!

@nerdreign

Preparing a work evaluation for someone who adds shit to my day on a regular.

Wondering if “inbred whackadoodle” paints a full picture.