“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
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Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”