Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day

My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.

We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm

ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.

COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.

High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”

College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”

Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.

the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go

I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.

Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right

*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.

Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face

me: how much is this cordless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”

I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions

Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”

My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow

Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?

Me: (holding back tears) 3 days

D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like

M: Not really

Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00

Me: What do you want for breakfast?

Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!

Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?

Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.

Priest: Murder, my child?

Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.

Priest: *gasp*

*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital

My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.

I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze