Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.

Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?

Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.

Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.

Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.

Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber

I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices

me: ok, let’s start tomorrow

[next day]

me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home

wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.

me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how

DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there

JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school

ME: i do not relate

JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs

ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent

The pen is writier than the sword.

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film

Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?

Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?

Son: yes

Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire

Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.

Icarus loved hot wings.

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.

She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣

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