Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
