Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
🤣😂🤣😂
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
