Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.

My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways

Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.

[ark]

SHEM:It’s full

NOAH:Full?

SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space

NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen

my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*

YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN

Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?

Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?

It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter

*gets bitten

*becomes shy shy

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot

[calling in sick]

BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?

ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure

[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!

You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.