Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.

Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero

Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh

If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?

If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.

– birds

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew

Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.

My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…

Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*

6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.

If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.

From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.

I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.

[in hell]

me: *sad* why am I here?

satan: you’re a murderer

me: what? no I’m not

satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl

me: *blushing* aww

12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off

And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.

Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.

Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed

Ok who’s got my black socks?

If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.