pizza
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[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Can Happiness buy money?
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*