Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.

Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero

i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy

one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.

I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10

Me: Head shoulders knees & toes

Doctor: ok no problem

Me: eyes ears mouth & nose

Doctor: that’s a different guy

Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?

Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore

My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL

*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*

4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.

RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.

#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.

Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.

I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.

Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.

house sitting!

“Well … I’ll be dammed.”

Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.