Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that

You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building

Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother

Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●

My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.

If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.

zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?

me: no, not yet!

zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.

gollum: *coughs on ring*

frodo: you know what, keep it

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

“I’ll drink to that.”

-me to my next drink

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.

Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️

Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?

Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can

found this cool rock hiking today

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

[Jeopardy]

Disease for $500 Alex

“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”

What’s better than catching a man cold?

“Correct!”

Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?