Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.

Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent

[speed dating session]

Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.

Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*

Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*

“Are you just going to sit there all day?”

“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant

Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.

Mob Boss: Who do they got?

Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.

Both: Oh shit.

Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭

I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.

I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.

I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.

I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.

“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.

Whoa… oh I see lol

6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?

Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!

6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*

Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*

Kid 2: *hold my espresso*

As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.

As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.

As a man of men, I eat the beans again…

Hurricane Diary

Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster

Day 2)I am out of snacks

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.

*inventing the mirror*

“People don’t have enough to worry about.”

We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.

I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.

I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.