‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
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Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.
Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…
Nope, no thank you.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days