Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.

My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win

“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”

-me as a babysitter

me: do you take walk-ins

dude at the crematorium: what

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.

If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?

5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times

3: ok. sorry fifty times

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot

My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life

Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap

I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

WIFE: Will he ever wake up?

DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it

W: i sold his pet hamster

ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE

TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”

I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.

What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?

E-Lawn

Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.

“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵

-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

[about to have sex]

her: I can tell this is your first time

me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds