‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
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CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging