‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
You Might Also Like
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
If you are reading this then you are reading this
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
PARKOUR
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.