Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.

Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours

inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.

My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband

if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing

yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas

People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.

What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.

What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.

yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other

Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?

[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”

Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.

In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.

Sunday night: Super Bowl party!

Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!

the internet really was better 18 years ago

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.

I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!

Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.