Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day on a new job]

Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.

Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.

Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall

Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me

Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”

I’m really happy being single

Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!

impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.

instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed

*goes to watch youtube vid*

BUFFER

well okay *lifts weights*

*checks again*

BUFFER

*does steroids*

BUFFER

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).

The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.

It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.

[first day in the crime lab]

me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists

No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet

My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.