Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed

People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.

If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!

I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.

[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]

Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?

Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.

Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*

Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.

[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*

Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same

me: hey, you wanna get outta here?

museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue

Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?

My 6year old: You only asked once

Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.

I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”

“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”

-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago

Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *

Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.